Off the Wall

29 10 2009

I lack any notion of practical wisdom; my genius (such as it were) I prefer to believe is something less tangible, more creative. I believe this because when I put it this way, the definition is vague enough to provide me considerable leeway when proving such aptitude.

This dearth of spacial skills often leads me to find the least efficient process to complete any task. I was the kid in art class who always had glue bursting from the edges of his craft projects, an excess which always failed to hold my cardboard constructions together. Too much, applied too carelessly — a fitting epithet.

Chief among my frustrations has always been the issue of adhesives. I have looked with envy on the friends’ walls festively adorned with posters, pictures, art and a variety of knick-knacks all perfectly positioned to convey the exact tastes and personality of the residence’s owner. The objects are adhered cleanly, almost invisibly. I think through my history of dangling movie posters and uncoordinated collections of photographs, and I wondered why I cannot equal their efforts.

I’ve used two-sided tape, regular tape, tape with velcro, tape that advertises it is easy to remove right there on the package but rips paint and poster alike. Mounting squares, hooks, thumbtacks, putty and, in a moment of desperation, even staples have all been tried. I have always been found wanting by these adhesive products.

I have tried just about every product 3M or Scotch have made, all with the same ill result. I imagine that my frequent and varied purchases have popped up on their collective radars; that right now men with Ph. D.s and lab coats are endeavoring night and day in adhesive research; that they consider me the foremost challenge in the field of adherence; that the man who could devise a product I could successfully implement would be considered a god among his peers!

But I digress. Here is an example of a typical exchange between myself and a vertical surface.

A poster falls down, I restick it to the wall with a pound of my fist and a few days later it’s drooping again. Do I then perform a rigorous examination of the surface of both wall and poster and the adhesive attempting to bind the two together? Do I use such an analysis to formulate a hypothesis on a better solution to this seemingly intractable that will finally, as it were, stick? Do I make a pro/con list of the various products available to achieve my purpose?

Nope. I just keep pounding my fist into the poster’s corners every few days.

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2 responses

30 10 2009
david chico pham

me too Frank. Me too. Some times I feel like a complete fraud when it comes to being human. i look around and see how everyone is able to function and ace basic tasks. It’s like landing onto Earth from Mars and being utterly impressed with people’s ability to do something very elementary, like putting together a poster on a wall.

30 10 2009
Becky

I too had this problem in my office Frank. Until one day one of my coworkers came in and told me that it was not the amount I was using, or how hard I was pounding the corners, or even what product it was (it was the sticky stuff that teachers always used). The trick is lots of little amounts all over the back of the poster especially the edges. I swear it hasn’t fallen in 7 months! And what works even better is frames mounted to the wall with the special “hanging hardware.”

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